Wow, how did I get here? It’s been a long year.
I put everything on pause for a year to adjust to my (still) new role of being a dad. I’m sure my wife would say the same. A year in, my son is the sun in my Copernicus system. He’s taken over everything – from our schedules to even my wallet (albeit emptied and filled with old membership cards).
Here are learnings I’ve taken away. Your mileage may vary and hindsight is 20/20, but I wish I’d told myself this in the months of lull leading to my son’s birth! This is a dad’s perspective. Mums go through a whole lot more and a physiological journey that is pregnancy, so there are completely different challenges (including putting up with a dad like me).
It’s an Absolute Joy
Let’s start with what everyone says: it’s an absolute joy. I was asked, “Is it all joy but no fun?” Well, not entirely wrong. Joy is the birth, your son cracking his first smile, him saying “papa” the first time, repeatedly trying to sound out your family members’ names. It makes up eventually (even if you’re having a tough time now) for the tough evenings and what seems like constant crying.
Tell Yourself: It’s Survival in the First Year (and That’s Ok)
A friend told me this and it made things just that little bit easier when I or my wife was having a tough time: the first year is survival. When the crying doesn’t stop or you’re just so exhausted from helping at home while also working a job, remind yourself: survive to the next day because you’re already doing the most important thing – seeing your child through their first year.
You’re Going to Have Mood Swings
Your hormones are in flux. Dads have a drop in testosterone. Try to regulate your emotions by having energy (something I couldn’t do when I was exhausted), exercising regularly, and sleeping it off (again, refueling energy). I have had more mood swings in parenting in one year than my entire adult life (at least that’s what it feels like!).
Set Clear Boundaries
I was so exhausted at one point because I was doing all I could to help. Dishes, chores, cleaning, vacuuming, washing. It wasn’t sustainable over the long term. If you’re the type that tries to do more than is asked for, draw yourself a boundary and align with your partner. If you’re the type that doesn’t do enough and you know it, see where your partner is struggling and adjust. Your child knows when things are harmonious at home and when there’s friction. Children just know.
You May Have an Identity Crisis
I’m exaggerating, but if you don’t have clear boundaries you might feel like parenting has absorbed everything that was “you.” The ambitious, creative, striving individual is replaced by a shell of himself. You might start to wonder where your career went. You wanted to be a dad but you didn’t think it’d absorb your life in the way it has (this was me). Speak with your partner to make sure your responsibilities are balanced for you both so that you can find time to carve out for your identity: hobbies, exercise, career and anything else that makes you “you”. You need it. Getting the balance right, maintaining your identity and focusing on the bits that are important lets you thrive.
Read, Read, Read
Find time to read after your child’s gone to sleep or read while he’s happily playing by himself (don’t disturb a happy baby). Down time is very far and few in between so place books everywhere. I’ve started to read multiple books on the go so that I can pick one up anytime. If you’re a learner, don’t stop learning. It will frustrate you and carving out minutes for your ongoing habit will make you happier.
Your Workdays Are Shorter
I used to work over-hours, not because I was forced to but because I enjoyed work and wanted to succeed. But having a child is a forcing function to prioritise your workday because you need to leave after you’ve clothed your toddler in the morning and return before dinner. You’ll arrive at a certain time and leave at a certain time. Stick to it. Don’t compromise, but focus on your value to work. You don’t get paid for your hours, you get paid for the value you bring (Jim Rohn).
It’s Going to Stress-Test Your Relationships
You affect your partner’s life just as much as they do yours. It’s a joint decision. You are a team, not playing against each other. Making sure you’re on the same page is key. Some family or friends will drop off (or, more likely, you will drop off theirs). Try to make an effort to reconnect when you can, but don’t sweat it. Hopefully your friends and family will appreciate that parenting is hard and that you living under a rock is expected as a first-time parent.
Take Lots of Photos
You’ll end up making photo albums from your Google Photos for silly money, but you’ll love looking back at the memories. My son loves the print albums too, because it’s his way of connecting with family who aren’t always there.
Space Is King
We didn’t realise this until we had more space. Luckily we moved right before our son started walking and he’s loving exploring every room of the new place. We initially had him in a playpen in the old apartment when he was crawling, but that would never have sufficed for a walking toddler. He would have complained and his world would have been so small. Make your child’s world bigger.
Let Him Explore, With Guardrails
If you keep having to take things off him or saying “no”, you’ve not designed the ecosystem right. The ecosystem should be set up with guardrails to let him freely roam. Exploration is learning and accelerates development. Obviously remove the harmful and toxic things out of reach (or behind baby-proofed cupboards), but also wall off unsafe spaces and make sure he can’t fall off high places. Do security audits regularly for your child just like you would for your own digital life or work.
If Your Child Is Being Brought Up Bilingual, Each Parent Stick to Their Language
Don’t compromise. It’s fascinating when my son says a word in two languages. Nose and hana (Japanese). Kids get it. They’re incredible learners.
Parenting is an absolute joy. But it’s not without its challenges. Tell yourself when things get tough: it’s survival but you won’t regret it. It’s hard to see the forest from the trees but keep at it. He’s only a 1+ year old toddler but he’s making huge strides already. I can’t wait to play catch (baseball) with my son, but I’m also happy to take it step by step, soak in the moments.
At the end of it all you’ll have a beaming baby saying “papa.”